Blog - November 2, 2021
Day 2: The November Happiness Challenge 2021
This year, I had fall outs with some friends, but this time, it was different. Before now, I was used to waiting for people to realize they hurt me, and then acknowledging it and reaching out to me to apologize. I don’t know why it was that way for so long. Maybe because the people in my corner just felt I deserved apologies, or because they appreciated my presence more than by absence. Either way, it was a regular occurrence for people to apologize to me first and that made me quite relaxed. This year, I began to view conflict differently. I realized that it really got to me when I wasn’t in good terms with anyone. By anyone, I mean even people who I’m not close with. There have been situations where I’d have a misunderstanding with someone and I wouldn’t be able to sleep overnight because the situation would keep replaying in my head. There was a particular one where I even dreamt about the person and I just knew it had to stop . I found myself reaching out to people to apologize to them and talk things over when conflict happens. I’m not saying this happens immediately after the conflict, because many times, I have to put myself together and acknowledge where I went wrong and how the other person wronged me, and also to know if the hurt is something I can overcome by talking to them or not. I realized that my nature is such that I’m not settled when I’m not in good terms with people. I don’t want to fight anyone forever. I don’t want to cut anyone off without looking back. I don’t want to think of people and have palpitations because I know we are not cool. I can’t be friends with everyone, yes. But I’d rather distance or other things cause my non closeness with someone, than it being as a result of conflict. I don’t want to have issues with other people continuously and not be free when I see them or remember them. It is very draining for me. So, I actually reached out to the people who we weren’t in great terms and I had a non condescending, honest, kind, non insulting and resolution bound conversation with them. I apologized for the identified things I did or said wrong to them, and I made them know I wouldn’t repeat such again. The result of this was people apologizing in return and letting me know that they also should have done better and they are glad I reached out. It lifted such burdens off me and It’s one decision I’m grateful for. How did I achieve this mindset? I’ll highlight few styles I adopted: First, I did a honest appraisal of myself and I identified some reasons I fall out with people. One is that I argue a lot, and many times, these arguments could degenerate into unpleasantness. I decided to avoid arguments as often as I can even though I know I can’t stop arguing totally. Friends will argue, it’s okay, as long as both parties don’t make it a habit and they avoid condescension and insults while at it.Another is that I’m quite opinionated and I find it hard to take in opposing views. I needed to let myself know that my opinions are not absolute and I’m not the wisest person there is. I began to speak more words like: “ I agree with you to an extent but I think…., I don’t entirely agree with you … You have a solid point and I think my view is slightly different after this conversation…. You are right… etc. I said more of these words and guess what? I didn’t die! I recognized that I always felt I deserved an apology first and everyone should realize how they wronged me and then get across. Lol, it doesn’t work like that. I made conscious efforts to be more apologetic and genuine while at it. The other person is most likely as offended as you are and it isn’t a competition of who apologizes first, that’s basic primary school behavior and it had to stop. I found out other things about myself and I decided to work on them. I’m still working on them. The second thing I did more is to remember the goodness of people to me. I know that it is very hard. We are humans and when people offend us, we easily forget how good they’ve been to us. No matter the level of motivational speech about remembering people’s good doings when we are wronged, it doesn’t make it easy to do. It can be very tough because it is that one thing they did wrong that would echo in our heads. However , I’m here to tell you that it’s doable. You can do it. For instance, I was mad at a friend about the fall out we had and then I kept seeing this beautiful set of beads she bought for me. I tried to ignore the feeling but I just couldn’t, I saw the bead everyday and just knew that I needed to reach out to her. She did something I didn’t like, yes, but she wasn’t a bad person at all and we had had great times, so I hung on to that and made peace with her. This is getting so lengthy, and you already know I try to avoid boring you. The summary of today’s post is that you should find better means to manage conflict, and you shouldn’t be listening to people who always advise you to ‘cut people off’. We all need one another, and we can’t continue shutting people out of our lives because of one misunderstanding or the other. This is not to say some people aren’t deserving of being cut off, oh yes some should be done away with especially when they’ve been given repeated chances and they still remain toxic. But please, allow people to redeem themselves, and try to be better yourself. Today, we will do two things: 1. Highlight the reasons you think you always fall out with people. Make these reasons independent, don’t look at other people’s flaws while at it. Think to yourself the traits you believe might be the cause of having conflicts with people and write them down. The first stage is acknowledgment , so do this and if it is okay, post them on SM with our hashtag: #TheNovemberHappinessChallengebyOmotolaniee. 2. Reach out to a friend or family or acquaintance or anyone you’ve had a fall out with. Try to talk to them about it and apologize accordingly. Do it sincerely and give me a feedback here or/and SM. I promised a picture everyday. Here you go, and I hope you smile.
Temitope Odeyinka
Such a beautiful read, this would save a lot of future relationships
Tolani Busari
I really hope so. Thanks Temitope
Azeezah
Beautiful write up
Tolani Busari
Thank you so much
KHADIJAT
Great read! I’m learning to communicate better in relationships (friendships and marriage) rather than just assuming what could be the reason for fall outs. It always help and takes away my sleepless nights replaying situations lol.
Tolani Busari
You are so on point. I want to believe marriage made me understand these things better. I’m more intentional now
Oyesunkanmi Idowu
First of all, can’t believe our old account still exists 😂🤣. Happy to see you’re evolving and im here for every milestone. I wish you nothing but joy and success. Cheers to better days 🥂❤️
Tolani Busari
Hahaha the beautiful nothings 😂😂😂. Thank you, Oyesunkanmi
Oluwaseun
A great read as always. Welldone mama!
Tolani Busari
Thank you darling.
Rukkie
I love love this. I’m like this as well. Unresolved conflicts makes me worry and I’m unable to sleep. So in the end I reach out. Thank you for this T .
Tolani Busari
You are welcome darling ❤️❤️❤️
Lateefah Ogunbiyi
You write so well & beautiful 💯💯
Tolani Busari
Thank you, darling 🥰🥰🥰
Ayi
This is beautiful. Time to put this into practice and be more intentional about we care about
❤
Tolani Busari
Oh yes!😍
Maryam
It’s a bit hard for me to state when someone annoys me because I hate confrontation. I just forget all what I want to say but I think I am getting better. I’m not there yet but I’m stating how I feel more.
Tolani Busari
It is a gradual process, sis. Don’t be hard on yourself 🥰🥰
Toyin
I totally agree that honest appraisal cannot be overemphasised. I like that you gave examples of your own personal appraisal. I hate to be wrong and this sometimes make me not open to learning new ways of doing things or better ways of managing a situation. Thank you for this!
Tolani Busari
You are welcome, my Toyin.
Olatoun
I have slowly started working on this. It can be challenging to have these conversations but they’re crucial to preserving our relationships. I need sit down and do some soul searching to see if there’s anyone I need to reach out to.
Tolani Busari
Okay darling. 🥰🥰🥰
Damilola (Stylebydamie)
This is such a great read ❤️ Thank you
I always try to avoid arguments that would lead to conflicts because I know how draining they can be. But I also realized some things about myself in the past which I’ve worked on and that has made life better.
Even though, till now my husband thinks I don’t like to apologize to him first 😂
P.S: That thing of wanting people to know they have hurt me without reaching out (me & you both 😂)
Tolani Busari
My husband feels the same way 🤣🤣🤣. Haha twins❤️
Bookie
This is such a great read. I think I should do better with communicating my feeling when people hurt me. I always just put it in mind and let it go after a while. Thank you for the tips.
Tolani Busari
You are welcome, fine babe
Dunmomi
This year I decided I was going to cut some of my friends off, but we are at the end of the year and I’ve made up with them lol. I think some of us are just wired this way and won’t be at peace when not on good terms with friends and loved ones. I will definitely work on the traits I have identified. Welldone mama. Very nice write up 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Tolani Busari
Thank you, baby girl. Really glad that you have made up. You are amazing ❤️
Solanke Aasiah
Definitely going to try this. I love how you made it a point that the world doesn’t revolve around us. We can’t always be right and we should be empathetic to how we convey our feelings
Tolani Busari
Oh yes. Self awareness truly helps in solving conflict.
Ameenah Alabi
These tips are definitely going to be helpful
Tolani Busari
Yaaay. Glad